The Annotated Book of Genesis
By Tim Skirvin and God

Chapter One

>Gen 1:1
>In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

	Then He got bored, said "scratch that", and made donuts.

	No, wait.  That's later on.

>Gen 1:2
>And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the
>face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the
>waters.

	You see, God *really* likes anthropomorphisizing things, so, at
first, everything had a face.  In His Image, at that.  

>Gen 1:3
>And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

	God didn't understand that dark is a lot *cooler* than light.

>Gen 1:4
>And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light
>from the darkness.

	And then God got blinded.  That's why He doesn't come to every
little kid with a problem anymore; He just can't *see* the kid.

>Gen 1:5
>And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And
>the evening and the morning were the first day.

	And then He made light in the Night, and called it a
Searchlight.  No further applications of this technology were invented
until God created Thomas Edison.

>Gen 1:6
>And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters,
>and let it divide the waters from the waters.

	...and everyone said "what the Hell are you talking about,
God?", which was fairly difficult since there was nobody else around
yet, and certainly no place known as Hell.  

>Gen 1:7
>And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under
>the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it
>was so.

	In the process, of course, God added salt to the some of those
waters, making it unusable by anyone in His image, but He didn't know
that yet.  

>Gen 1:8
>And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning
>were the second day.

	Of course, if anyone else had been around, it might have gotten
a better name, but God wasn't feeling particularly creative after having
spent an entire two days doing strange stuff like making water and light
and stuff like that.

>Gen 1:9
>And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together
>unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

	The dry land, of course, was not consulted on this matter.
There have been a few hard feelings about this one.  God agreed to
occasionally make dry land not-so-dry.  And lo, there was rain.  Whee.

>Gen 1:10
>And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the
>waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

	At this point, His names were beginning to get more creative,
mostly because He'd had a little practice.  Still, the Earth and Seas
would have rathered better names, and to this day still call themselves
Bob.

>Gen 1:11
>And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding
>seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is
>in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

	And yay, there was reproduction.  When those reproducing decided
to make better names for their actions, God said, Nay, thou won't be
doing anything stupid like mouthing the syllable "sex": and, since
grass, herbs, and fruit trees are notoriously contrary plants, the
syllable was born.  In punishment, their ability to speak was taken
away, so that, when God's Images ruled the Earth (Earth didn't like that
concept, actually, but that's Earth's problem), the people complaining
about eating animals wouldn't complain about eating the much more
intelligent plants.  Take that, suckers.

>Gen 1:12
>And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his
>kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after
>his kind: and God saw that it was good.

	But not good enough to give them back the ability to speak; they
might go beyond just saying "sex", you see.  God didn't realize that His
Images would eventually think that the syllable "sex" was boring, and
make up even stupider words.

>Gen 1:13
>And the evening and the morning were the third day.

	And, during it, there was a whole lot of reproducing going on.
Plants get bored too, you know.

>Gen 1:14
>And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to
>divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for
>seasons, and for days, and years:

	And, with this, everything that existed (everything that God had
gotten around to creating) suddenly realized "hey!  We can interact with
each other!  Cool!"  Reproduction between Earth and plants was tried,
but failed miserably.  Day and Night figured out they probably *could*
reproduce, but that would involve meeting each other, and they hated
each others' guts-equivalent.

>Gen 1:15
>And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give
>light upon the earth: and it was so.

	And so was invented the electric company.  And yay, there was
much rejoicing, and the plants suddenly had something to do besides
reproduce; now they could be capitalists.

>Gen 1:16
>And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and
>the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

	And so there was competition for the plants, for the stars were
generally more intelligent than them.  Indeed, the financial battles
would have been lost for the plants entirely, but for the fact that the
stars decided to hang out only at night and very far away.

	Nobody ever thought of the lesser light.  

>Gen 1:17
>And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon
>the earth,

	The stars and lights, of course, were a bit upset by this.  It's
much more fun hiding *really* far out in space; now they were stuck in
this Damned firmament place.  Or that's what they would have said, if
God had made Hell yet, but God was having a bad day, and didn't want to
get around to it yet.  

>Gen 1:18
>And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light
>from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

	And so God went to take a nap.  Unfortunately, God also
discovered that this light stuff keeps Holy Spirits awake, so before He
went to bed, He also created the Blindfold, which was in His opinion a
much more creative name than anything else He'd made.

>Gen 1:19
>And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

	And, again, during them there was reproducing.  For everyone
except God, who couldn't get any, so He decided He had to make something
more interesting.

>Gen 1:20
>And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving
>creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the
>open firmament of heaven.

	You see, God had a chicken fetish at this point in time.  Maybe
He could do this reproducing stuff with a nice fat hen.  Instead, he
discovered the joy of eating meat, as He invented the Chicken Breast.

	In addition, God also experimented with combining water and
fowl.  The resulting flying fish never tasted very good, so instead he
made them into what He called "aliens", and sent them away in what He
called "flying saucers".  Nobody ever asked the fish about this, so they
went off and evolved for a while.

>Gen 1:21
>And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth,
>which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and
>every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

	And, of course, He made them all be useful for things that they
probably shouldn't be useful for.  Again, God wasn't being very good
about realizing that His Images would wander around and kill things a
lot.  God didn't figure on extinction.  

>Gen 1:22
>And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the
>waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

	And so He checked them all out, to see if He could reproduce
with them.  Unfortunately, none of them were even close to enjoyable,
except for certain sickos in His Image...but, with that thought, He got
an idea.

>Gen 1:23
>And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

	And so He slept on it.

>Gen 1:24
>And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his
>kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his
>kind: and it was so.

	And so He tried out the one other possibility: maybe another
batch of animals would be more fun to reproduce with.  It's worth a
shot, right?  Unfortunately, these were more boring than the others had
been, plus these ones smelled funny; God gave up on that track.

>Gen 1:25
>And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after
>their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his
>kind: and God saw that it was good.

	Hell, He thought (though, again, Hell did not exist yet), why
not go ahead and let them exist?  They're probably good eating...for My
Image!  For that was his idea...

>Gen 1:26
>And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and
>let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of
>the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every
>creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

	And so He tried out his idea: make these guys is His image.
Maybe he could reproduce with him.  And if He made enough, maybe He
could make some that were *really* good at reproducing, eh?  But if 
You're making that many Images, you've got to give them something to
eat, someplace to stay...and besides, the old animals were flops anyway.
The Images can have 'em.  

>Gen 1:27
>So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he
>him; male and female created he them.

	There's a story behind this one; you see, at first God just
created Man.  When He proceeded to try reproducing with Man, he suddenly
realized that it just didn't work.  Unfortunately, all the animals saw
him doing it, and thought it might be a good idea.  In any case, once
God saw that it really didn't work all that well, He declared, Yuk!  And
so there was to be no more Evil Homoreproducingality in the world, for
it was an abomination unto Him.
	
	And so He went on to create Woman, who would be a lot more
enjoyable to reproduce with, and to look at for that matter.  And lo,
there was the first orgy.

>Gen 1:28
>And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and
>multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion
>over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over
>every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

	Man, of course, was quite impressed by this dominion thing, and
began to take it a little bit too seriously.  Luckily, there was still
Woman to bash him upside the head whenever Man got too stupid.  After
such occurances, there would be some more reproducing.  Man liked
reproducing almost as much God. 

>Gen 1:29
>And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which
>is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is
>the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

	Man, of course, was upset by this concept of veggies being meat
(Man has no idea of the history of plants, you see; the only time they
ever learned *anything* of it was when a sneaky tree whispered "sex" to
Man while he was reproducing with Woman, when God wasn't paying
attention).  Woman, however, just wanted a salad, and so it was alright.

	The plants, of course, were a bit unhappy about this one.

>Gen 1:30
>And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to
>every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I
>have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

	The plants, upset that they were suddenly under attack by
vicious cows, began to talk amongst themselves to discuss a violent
overthrow of Man and, if possible, God.  However, at the last minute,
God decided that Ge could keep them revolting if He were to let them
defend themselves -- and lo, there was Poison.  

>Gen 1:31
>And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very
>good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

	And, with knowledge of what he was -- God's Image -- Man
wandered around, slaughtered a few cows and lettuces, and had a
barbecue.  And lo, was it a Damned good barbecue, except it needed an
apple.  After dinner, of course, there was much reproducing.

	Unfortunately for God, though, He was not to Get Any for a
few thousand years...

[to be continued...]
				- Tim Skirvin (tskirvin@uiuc.edu)
--
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