Path: yen-lo-wang.crhc.uiuc.edu!tskirvin Date: 25 Oct 99 03:32:47 GMT Message-ID: Newsgroups: uiuc.org.like-disco Subject: Reasons Reply-to: tskirvin@uiuc.edu X-Note: If you got this through mail, it was probably posted and mailed. From: tskirvin@uiuc.edu (Tim Skirvin) X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.4 (NOV) Well, I have a bit of time, and don't need to sleep for, well, a couple of hours now. And since it's been asked by a few people, and I figure that I owe you all an explanation... This last week just completely kicked my butt academically. I mean, I got killed by it. I spent 12 hours on a CS318 MP and, while I got it done, I did it wrong - I'll be lucky to get much more than half credit for my trouble. 312 just plain raped me - I spent a grand total of ~20 hours on it and managed to get enough information together to write a report saying "I didn't come close to finishing it but I can point out a few obvious problems with what I did" - three days late. And that's ignoring all of the other tests I've got, and the papers I have to get done, and everything I've got to get done at work... I fought to stand still all week, and failed. And things are about to get worse. [...] Of course, if you know me at all, you know that I just made that up as an excuse, and that there's a whole lot more to it than that. And you're probably right. *sigh* Time to be honest. You all deserve it. A little while back, I started disliking my roommates. A lot. To the best of my knowledge, this was brought on by a general feeling of depression that came over me when I realized that I was really leaving (I've never been good with change); it wasn't helped, though, by K&C's oh-so-well-timed decision to re-start a few small lover-spats, nor by a few other random fights that were happening around the apartment. Regardless of the cause, once I recognized what was happening, I knew it was time for me to either a) confront everyone about this or b) hide. I chose the latter solution, thanks to a lack of backbone (which considering who's going to be reading this had better start regrowing RSN...). And so began a time period in which I was either in my room or out of the apartment, just looking for somewhere to hide. These times were, of course, good times to think and try to Bring It All Together. So I did so. And I began to plot. Here's what came to mind during these journies (or at least that which was relevant): - If I'm not in Disco, I get 4 hours per week in my apartment *alone*. - If I'm not in Disco, I can see a show instead of being in it. - If I'm not in Disco, I'll miss it. - I'm not going to be in Disco anyway; I'm going to miss it regardless. - I'm sick of the fighting, in and out of Disco. - I'm not in charge anymore, and don't get to just be a newbie either - meaning that I have no idea what my place is. - If I leave, I'm gonna lose a lot of friends. - If I leave, James will get the record for "guy who's in Disco for the longest" over me. - Is my heart really in it anymore anyway? - Would talking about any of this with the troupe actually help anything? Do they want to hear it? Or would they rather that I just shut up and play along? - Do I even feel comfortable going to Allen at all anymore? - Would it really be a good thing to let Bridget win? - If I leave Disco, will it be safer? - If I leave now, will it hurt less later? (Needless to say, I need profesional help.) Rather than dwell on everything in there, I'll make the whole story short - things are currently better(ish) with my roommates, and my anxiety with leaving is lower. But while this was happening, I vowed that by the end of last Thursday, I would decide what my fate was with Disco. And so I was stuck with this promise - as I missed a rehearsal and had one hell of a tiring week. And when I came that night, against my better judgement, I found that I couldn't even work myself up into a good mood, nor find anybody else that would try... My gut instinct was that it was time for me to go. And so, as soon as I got home, I posted and decided. This troupe has been my family for years. From the time that Dave Hoffman called me in my room to remind me to come to my first rehearsal, I've felt like the troupe was mine; its problems were my own, its triumphs were mine, and all through it I got to act like me. It's been the center of my college experience, and the source of more and better friends than anything else in my life. And I'm going to remember Disco for as long my memory holds out. But I'm still done. This Thursday will be my last show. Goodbye, friends. I'll miss you. - Tim Skirvin (tskirvin@uiuc.edu) -- Skirv's Homepage < The Killfile Dungeon <*>