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Headquartered @ University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign |
The ASM FAQ
Welcome to the ASM FAQ. We at ASM condemn the practice of creating lists of Frequently Asked Questions when in fact none of the questions have ever been asked. It does nothing but feed the ego of those who create it, and we feel you deserve better from your glorious leaders. Thus, we commit ourselves to only posting questions in this FAQ which have actually been asked.
With that in mind, at the moment only 64 questions has been asked about ASM, so the FAQ only has 64 answers. Don't panic. As the word spreads, more clueless dolts will visit the newsgroup and the homepage, and more questions will be asked. <sarcasm>We look forward to answering them.</sarcasm>
Contents:
- Is there a FAQ for this group?
- Is there a FAQ or isn't there?
- But what about question two?
- What are you going to do when the answers in the FAQ are self-referring?
- Wanna be the ASM FAQ maintainer?
- You suck, you know that?
- How many questions are in the ASM FAQ?
- Doesn't a can of SPAM(tm) have actual content?
- Who's the guy with the extremely dry wit who compiled Pine so that the references look like this:
References: <Pine.SOL.3.91.961014145432.17312B-100000@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu> ^^^^^^^^
- If Spam were cheese would it be Velveeta or Easy Cheese?
- Where the f*** are the mashed potatoes!??!?!?!
- why is that you can only get your period when you wear white underwear.
- What does the ASM in uiuc.org.asm stand for?
- Is there a ORG.ASM homepage?
- What would we do without you Tim?
- has no one any updates on ASM news or anything?
- are you trying to say that for quite some time, ASM's members have had water logged heads and since it is sooooo damn cold out we fear we will break a vein if we post here?
- also will this be in the faq?
- Speaking of the N64, did you say you had WaveRacer?
- Does that make me reality liaison?
- Does using UNIX lead to beer consumption?
- And goddamnit Jen, when are you going to change your sig?
- But do you have the pictures[1] to prove it?
- will this also be in the FAQ?
- Does anyone know where I can get a comprehensive list of Champaign miniparks?
- Is "do somethingable" one word or two? And is "partooken" a word?
- how can you objectively answer the question of whether or not "partooken" is a word when you don't think it's a word?
- So what exactly are the advantages of printing under the cover of dusk?
- are you soiling and societing ok?
- Toughts?
- Who can come?
- So, whose car is that anyway?
- What fnord?
- Are one of you responsible for the SMEAT in that movie "waterworld"?
- Oh my, is the FAQ maintainer getting bitter?
- What ever happened to the miscness?
- What ever happened to the FAQ?
- Why are all the questions from 6+ months ago?
- Remember when?
- Tim?
- Speaking of the FAQ, perhaps this question could be added?
- has the final national structure been established?
- What are ASM bonus points good for anyways???
- For 10 ASM bonus points, what are ASM bonus points good for?
- Is our FAQ maintainer slacking off again?
- Speaking of which, where is the FAQ?
- So when do we know if we get SORF funding or not?
- Oh wait, none right?
- Gotcha... is there something we can do with this?
- Do we have a fiscal report ever quarter?
- when do we get dividends?
- And where is Skirvin?
- Where's our FAQ?
- Can we sick our lawyer noodle on Skirvin?
- And speaking of the boneyard, I've had too much MinuteMaid(tm) Fruit Punch, I really think the guy at the Quad Shop[1] should have cut me off at 6 bottles of the damn stuff, is there a way we can get our lawyer noodle to sue him as well?
- So, you might inquire, what do they do with these Application Receipts?
- Well, we have fourteen copies of their funding application, but without a receipt, how can we actually be sure that we received this application?
- Why isn't our home page location mentioned in the FAQ?
- Why do FAQ's exist?
- Why don't people know everything?
- Does h0lnet have a purpose besides attracting pingflood after pingflood from irc losers all the time?
- How's the job search going?
- what duty?
- and why are you up so early?
1. Is there a FAQ for this group?
Yes.
2. Is there a FAQ or isn't there?
(x+x')=1, so yes.
3. But what about question two?
It's not my fault if you failed CS173.
4. What are you going to do when the answers in the FAQ are self-referring?
See question four.
5. Wanna be the ASM FAQ maintainer?
Sure.
6. You suck, you know that?
See question five. And three, for that matter.
7. How many questions are in the ASM FAQ?
A lot.
8. Doesn't a can of SPAM(tm) have actual content?
In as much as salt and meat-bits are content, yes.
9. Who's the guy with the extremely dry wit who compiled Pine so that the references look like this:
References: <Pine.SOL.3.91.961014145432.17312B-100000@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu>
^^^^^^^^
The same guy that invented spam. Satan.
10. If Spam were cheese would it be Velveeta or Easy Cheese?
Probably not.
11. Where the f*** are the mashed potatoes!??!?!?!
Aisle Two. Everything's in Aisle Two. Just ask the guys at your local grocery store, they'll tell you about it.
12. why is that you can only get your period when you wear white underwear.
Because women that wear blue underwear don't get periods. Ever. That's what happened to under-roos, if you're curious.
13. What does the ASM in uiuc.org.asm stand for?
The Association for the Study of Meats. Duh. It says it at the top of the page and all.'ASM' does not stand for:
14. Is there a ORG.ASM homepage?
Yes.
15. What would we do without you Tim?
Well, for one thing, you wouldn't have to scroll through the "New group: news.admin.net-abuse.policy. Add to newsrc? (y/n):" things nearly so often. Of course, you would subconsciously miss it, since part of the Usenet experience is to be annoyed by such trivialities. As a result, a few poor souls would throw themselves off cliffs in despair, never truly knowing what was missing from their lives - and you're probably one of them.
16. has no one any updates on ASM news or anything?
ASM news is old and out-of-date. The ASM FAQ, however, is never old and out-of-date.
17. are you trying to say that for quite some time, ASM's members have had water logged heads and since it is sooooo damn cold out we fear we will break a vein if we post here?
I was at the time; I'm not any more.
18. also will this be in the faq?
You suck, you know that?
19. Speaking of the N64, did you say you had WaveRacer?
No.
20. Does that make me reality liaison?
No.
21. Does using UNIX lead to beer consumption?
No.
22. And goddamnit Jen, when are you going to change your sig?
No.
23. But do you have the pictures[1] to prove it?
Yes. (Please note the question number.)
24. will this also be in the FAQ?
Yes.
25. Does anyone know where I can get a comprehensive list of Champaign miniparks?
No.
26. Is "do somethingable" one word or two? And is "partooken" a word?
No. No.
27. how can you objectively answer the question of whether or not "partooken" word when you don't think it's a word?
Yes.
28. So what exactly are the advantages of printing under the cover of dusk?
No.
29. are you soiling and societing ok?
No.
30. Toughts?
Yes.
31. Who can come?
Yes.
32. So, whose car is that anyway?
No.
33. What fnord?
No.
34. Are one of you responsible for the SMEAT in that movie "waterworld"?
No.
35. Oh my, is the FAQ maintainer getting bitter?
Yes.
[uiuc.test Rebuilding Day '98]
36. What ever happened to the miscness?
The miscness will be with you. Always.
37. What ever happened to the FAQ?
I have always been here.
38. Why are all the questions from 6+ months ago?
It is the closed circle.
39. Remember when?
Choose, but choose wisely.
40. Tim?
Yes?
41. Speaking of the FAQ, perhaps this question could be added?
Number 41, at your service.
42. has the final national structure been established?
Yes. And please note the question number.
43. What are ASM bonus points good for anyways???
Bonuses!
44. For 10 ASM bonus points, what are ASM bonus points good for?
Bonuses!
45. Is our FAQ maintainer slacking off again?
Of course I am. What do you think I am, a Civil Engineer?
46. Speaking of which, where is the FAQ?
Right here.
47. So when do we know if we get SORF funding or not?
Next tuesday.
48. Oh wait, none right?
Right.
49. Gotcha... is there something we can do with this?
Can do, yes. Should do, no.
50. Do we have a fiscal report ever quarter?
Since a fiscal report would cost more than 25 cents, no.
51. when do we get dividends?
When I See You In Hell(tm).
52. And where is Skirvin?
I have always been here.
53. Where's our FAQ?
Right here.
54. Can we sick our lawyer noodle on Skirvin?
Most certainly not.
55. And speaking of the boneyard, I've had too much MinuteMaid(tm) Fruit Punch, I really think the guy at the Quad Shop[1] should have cut me off at 6 bottles of the damn stuff, is there a way we can get our lawyer noodle to sue him as well?
Spike the Fruit Punch with alcohol and see if you can get him under the "selling alcohol to an already-intoxicated" laws. That'd probably work.
56. So, you might inquire, what do they do with these Application Receipts?
They chew them up and eat them for lunch, because they don't have enough money for real food.
57. Well, we have fourteen copies of their funding application, but without a receipt, how can we actually be sure that we received this application?
You can't. Too bad, SORF. Muhahahaha...
[ March 25, 1998 ]
58. Why isn't our home page location mentioned in the FAQ?
Isn't it? *checks* Yes, it is. Ha.
59. Why do FAQ's exist?
To please me.
60. Why don't people know everything?
Because if other people knew as much as the great FAQ Maintainer, what good would I be? I know all. You don't need to. Get over it.
61. Does h0lnet have a purpose besides attracting pingflood after pingflood from irc losers all the time?
Babylon 5.
62. How's the job search going?
Pretty well, thanks.
63. what duty?
To stand against the darkness or perish.
64. and why are you up so early?
'Cuz it's more fun to stand against the light.
Maintained by Tim Skirvin. For more fun, read the disclaimer below or eat some Spam(tm). The Association for the Study of Meats officially recommends the former over the latter.
It is the policy of the Association for the Study of Meats not to engage in discrimination or harassment against any person on the basis of race, color, religion, intelligence, sex, lack thereof, national origin, ancestry, incestry, age, marital status, disability, sexual orientation, unfavorable discharge from the military, other unfavorable discharges, or status as a disabled veteran or veteran of the Vietnam era and to comply with all Federal and State non-discrimination, equal opportunity and affirmative action laws, orders, and regulations.
The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign does not necessarily endorse, recommend, or approve the products and services mentioned on this page. However, the administrators probably eat Spam(tm), so you shouldn't really care what they think.
You are dumb.
The above statement does not necessarily reflect the views of the Univerity of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (but you know that's what they think of you).
Copyright © 1998 Association for the Study of Meats. All rights reserved. Your mileage may vary. Shipped by weight, not by volume. Legal in 49 states. Sorry, Tennessee. Fnord
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